Poker Perambulation » Humor

Today’s Spam

Ken Prevo — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:15:21 +0000

I received the following comment in today’s spam collection:

I am pregnant.

Seems to have come from some really great site with due date in the title. I thought I’d save everyone the trouble of going to the site to ascertain what is going on.

Dirty Deed plus Nine Months equals Pop Goes the Weasel

You’re welcome.

ADDENDUM:

I just completed my April 1st blog. I have usually done them but did miss last year. The idea came to me today and it seemed good enough to write and put on hold until then. It is a commentary on non-Eaton playing fields, SOPA, fanboys and God … well god (smaller case) to some. Hopefully I’ll be around to receive the plaudits it will deserve. You will find it still timely and, as always, heartwarming.

The Santa Myth

Ken Prevo — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 06:01:06 +0000

First off, Santa was not run over by a reindeer. Whoever started that rumor is just plain sick. Likely came from one of them Easterners. No, this is diabolic and destructive of social custom. I am sorry to have to report it.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known……

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Truth and Fairness doctrine requires the following addition.

The Origin of the White Wedding Dress

IT TOOK A VERY BRAVE MAN TO WRITE THIS….

IT TAKES AN EVEN BRAVER ONE TO FORWARD IT….!!

A son asked his mother the following question:’ Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ‘

The mother looks at her son and replies:’ Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

‘ Dad why are wedding dresses white? ‘

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

‘Son, household appliances always came in white.’

(May he rest in peace)

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Bright Kwanzaa

and best wishes for 2012

Mars — the real god

Ken Prevo — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 13:19:19 +0000

The Battle eternal. It isn’t taught at West Point. Don’t depress the troops, right? (Yes, got another email.)
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People –
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
___________________________________Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

ADDENDUM:

Rep. Dennis Cardoza (D-Calif.) — I could vote for this guy.

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For Wolfman and Mojo

Ken Prevo — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:12:24 +0000

And Waffles should note that this email was from a different blog replacement for him to wish for.

Retirement !!! pretty amusingly insightful…

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:Only one, but it might take all day.Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:The never ending Coffee Break…spiked !Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he worked with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite….
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer:Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied.. ‘Two years older than me’ ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.. She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. ‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Just give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Don’t try this at home

Ken Prevo — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 16:21:00 +0000

I wasn’t going to post today but this is “interesting”…

I used to be able to get Mythbusters and the start went something like:

We are trained professionals; don’t try this at home. Well, sometimes even the pros should take a pass.

For an upcoming show, they were firing a homemade cannon. Oops…

Fortunately, no people or pets were killed in the process. That got them somewhat off the hook with cops and PETA. They may even get a makeup award from The Clown College for their red faces.

Really…CANNON BALLS!?!

Ken Prevo — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 13:34:06 +0000

Well, my friend Jack sent me another email. Ok, Waffles…go change your underwear. You are getting too old for that to be occurring naturally.

A interesting fact I thought you should know about.

CANNON BALLS!!!

BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem — how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass -hence,Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few of your intellectual friends.

Halloween

Ken Prevo — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 13:01:24 +0000

Halloween always leave me confused. Why should some rug rats get to dip into my Reese? One of those damn eastern liberals took me to task over it and showed up to turn the damn light on at the front door to signal miniature looters. I still don’t agree and felt it was time to put power to the sensors/claymores. But, I listened like a sap that I was supposed to get with the feel good. The following picture says it all.

Very Josie and me waiting for the Holloweeners

I don’t think her company has the right dental plan. But the first kid that showed up told me my prostate was in good shape.

No related posts.

PC? NOT!

Ken Prevo — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 13:29:27 +0000

My friend Jack is as sick as I am. This is today’s email. To parrot someone not getting a link, “Me like.”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest ‘member’ she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

~~~~~~~~~~

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

~~~~~~~~~~

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

~~~~~~~~~~

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my buttocks! Do you think I should change dentists?

~~~~~~~~~~

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

~~~~~~~~~~

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

~~~~~~~~~~

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

~~~~~~~~~~

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

~~~~~~~~~~

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick b………d.”

No related posts.

The Egg and I

Ken Prevo — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 11:10:18 +0000

That was a movie with populist humor about people on a farm out on the Pacific Northwest. An resemblance to any blog living or dead is purely coincidental. It introduced Ma and Pa Kettle who set the city folks that bought a chicken farm in their sights. So, said coincidental blogger is probably closer to the fish than the Ma and Pa sharks. But, this blog isn’t about any of that. I was going to title it “I’m a cheap bastard” but I don’t want to give Josie a straight line. (Happy, you link whore?)

I’ll get back to the title. I fear this blog will be a bit long. That gets criticized and even leads to separate Waffle’s hate blog. To avoid his ire, I’ll do some extra work and do the Blog 2.0 thing that I am too lazy to do most of the time — include some weak picture like I was USA Today.

The idea is a play on words. I made a purchase from newegg.com and I don’t recall ever be much madder or happier. It is a great example of libertarian, Wall Street, Online poker and so on. Let me start with an outline to avoid a book length blog.

Let me insert a bit of making fun of friend Bastion. I am not certain but he has to be just up the road a piece and playing gentlemen farmer not far from the scene of the ~~crime~~ book — the Chimacum valley. I will go on record that he and DW are closer to the couple at the top of the poster than those at the bottom. Well he and the guy at the bottom may have the same valet dresser.

Back to the topic for a moment…

computer died, Dell replaced, I bought blank drive to replace drive with all my PW and personal info
put extra in next computer, it too died, pulled drive out to keep warranty
ordered cabinet, came with missing parts, went postal about it (drive had game I like to play!)
Not quite postal but not really me.

OK, all that set me apart from my normal, lovable self that endears me so to New England women. (No link The title of my email about the Newegg screwup was: “Get your act together”. Cheap shot — I love cheap shots; you can’t be accused of trying to deal death shot … even when you are.

Amazon was the perfect online retailer with a whole set of ‘entitlements’ and for a while even included a pre-authorized UPS ticket to return things. It harkened back to the businesses of my much younger days. That’s changed but they’ll still outperform most and I was regretting finding the item I needed at Newegg instead of Amazon when the missing part helped ruin the day.

I went to their site to get an RMA. It offered to print out a UPS ticket I could use. They wanted $11.60 for the pickup that was free at Amazon. Smoke came out of the ears. I was a $30 item. Grrrrrrrrrr! So, I entered the email in their online form which all the online bastards seem to be migrating too. Amazon has slipped to this too. Got the automated response and no followup. They have chat so I went there. Agent quickly broke “their rules” and sent me a prepaid UPS but I had to haul it to the UPS office — no biggy. I am sort of happy.

I order a different external drive enclosure. I pay $2.99 for expedited shipping. They (and Amazon) don’t get shipment out like they use to and this promises same day shipping. I figure I’ll get it Friday doing that. They screw up and don’t get it out until the next day; package arrived Monday. Couldn’t play favorite game over the weekend. Hey it is only $3 but I’m PO’d. I write again demanding $2.99 refund. Rules are again bent and I get that.

I went to their site to enter a review. I am happy with the replacement and see that it now has a $3 rebate available. This one was cheaper ($22 w. s/h) and I’m happy until I see that I ordered it one day before the discount code went up. Another email demanding price protection. The reply is they don’t have price protection but they again bend the rules and I get a $3 credit.

I’m not really a cheap bastard. Honest! OK, leave off the cheap and…

Why this tale? Well, it is Wolfshead‘s fault. Here is one of his comments. I actually woke up a bit early thinking about it. This blog is a lead in toward the follow up that will attempt to tie this all together. I’ll quit here so Waffle’s doesn’t start a blog knocking just me. Ha, Waffles got 2 links and Josie is one down. That’ll make her mad[der] and look — one more plus.

No related posts.

Damn I am good

Ken Prevo — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 15:43:46 +0000

Ego, thy name is Ken. So, why the admission? Well, I thought I might be better than I had a right to think. I don’t have huge readership. But, it is a comfortable amount. Yesterday was my best day in a long time. So, after dislocating my elbow trying to pat myself on the back I took a look.

Remember yesterday and my quoting Otis’ tweets?

Included in that was something about some Honda ad. So, when I mined my blog data the following appeared — compliment of the search engines — and popped my balloon:

honda pilot crazy train	11
honda pilot crazy train commercial	9
honda crazy train commercial	4
very interesting	3
crazy train honda pilot commercial	2
honda pilot commercial crazy train	2
honda pilot commercial using crazy train	1
arte johnson very interesting	1
honda pilot +crazy train	1
youtube crazy train comercial honda pilot	1
Other search terms (more Honda)	7
Total views referred by search engines	42